Boat Drill, “Robert, where are your people?”

Once you become a crew member on a Cruise Ship, you are assigned a duty which you have to perform during the Guest Mandatory Boat Drill which usually takes place prior to the ship’s sailing. I was responsible for Lifeboat Station 10. Every guest on board a cruise ship is assigned a life boat station and a lifeboat. At the sound of the ship’s alarm, seven short and one long blast of the horn and bells, the guests and crew must report to their lifeboat station for the drill.

Assistant Cruise Director Keith ran through the duties of my assignment. They consisted of, checking off every guest assigned to my station, stand them in straight and orderly lines, make sure they had their lifejackets on properly and give them some information. Then there were announcements over the P/A system and after about 15 minutes the guests were dismissed from the drill and they could go on their merry way. Keith had me check off the guests while he lined them up and performed the required duties.
The following week I had the station to myself. I was supposed to have an assistant, but he did not show up. The alarms go off, instructions are given to the guests to go to their stateroom and get their lifejackets and report to their assigned boat station. I stood at my station and as the guests arrived I asked them what their stateroom number was and started to check them off my list. In no time at all, I had people 3 deep surrounding me and yelling out their stateroom numbers. Utter confusion. As the group lessened, I heard a deep booming voice next to me say, “Robert!” I looked up and there was First Officer Stian’s moon face looking down at me. “Robert’, he repeated, “where are your people?”

I looked over his shoulder and there was no one at my station. All the guests who had checked off their stateroom numbers had left my station and went off somewhere. I stood there in shock and with a surprised and confused look on my face. Here I am, two weeks into my new job and I just lost 150 people that were assigned to me at my lifeboat station. I looked back at Stian and he had a stern look on his face…and then burst out laughing as he walked away. I knew that little incident was going to cost me a couple of beers in the Crew Bar. A few minutes later ACD Keith came around and asked where my people were. I explained what happened to which he asked where my assistant was. I replied that the assistant had not showed up and I had been swamped. “No worries” he said, “we’ll sort this out at our meeting later.” I stood there for the duration of the drill with my clipboard and guest list and no guests at my station. Fifteen feet away from me was the next lifeboat station with all their allotment of guests. It was a very lonely and embarrassing moment. During the cruise we were able to locate my assistant and he was instructed to be at my boat station for the next guest boat drill.

The next week’s cruise arrived and I went to my station. My assistant was there waiting. As Cruise Staff members we had a 15 minute rule which meant you showed up to your next assignment 15 minutes prior to the start time of your next event. My assistant, so not to be in trouble, showed up 20 minutes prior to the boat drill. I handed Jorge, (pronounced Hoar Hay while rolling the ‘r’), the clip board and guest list for him to check off the guests as they arrived at my station. As soon as they were checked off, I lined up the guests in the proper manner, chit-chatting with them as I did this. Once everyone was checked off and in line, There was a very quiet and uncomfortable feeling with the group. I had to do something as I knew the announcements from the P/A system were 15 minutes away and it was getting hot on the deck. Gotta be creative. “Hello everyone, my name is Robert and I am in charge of Boat Station Number 10. I am also in charge of the TV Broadcast facilities on board this ship. So you can all call me TV Robert. OK?”

“OK”, was the reply.

“OK” I said. “So what’s my name?”

“TV Robert”, they said in unison.

“Who is still looking for their stateroom” That got some laughter as everyone looked around at each other.

“OK, here is some information that will help you and make sure you find your staterooms every time. You will hear the crew use nautical terms such as forward, aft, port and starboard. Forward is the front of the ship. Aft is the rear of the ship”, as I pointed to my butt, which drew more laughter. “Starboard is the right side of the ship and Port is the left side of the ship. Here is a good way to remember right from left on the ship. Left has four letters”, as I held up four fingers. “Port has for letters and you will always have ‘left port’ as we sail away. Even has four letters and all the even stateroom numbers are on the left side of the ship, port side. So remember this, even, left and port all have four letters. If you stateroom has an odd number that means you are on the starboard side of the ship, the right side. Do not look for an even numbered stateroom on the right or starboard side of the ship, or you’ll be looking for a long time.”

“Also the carpets in the passageway are two colors. Red is at the aft (pointing to my butt again) and green is forward. Low stateroom numbers are forward and high stateroom numbers are aft. Are there any questions? Are we all OK with that?”

“OK”, was the reply.

“What’s my name?”

“TV Robert”, was the reply.

“WOW”!! You guys were all really listening. I’m impressed and you're much better than last week’s group!”

That got more laughter from them.

“Can anyone tell me the nickname for this ship?” I asked.

There were some mumbles from the group as they tried to come up with a name.

“It’s ‘The Big Blue Canoe’. If you go two decks down to Viking Deck and stand at one end of the deck, you cannot see the other end. That is because the ship has a bowed shape, like a canoe. The hull is painted blue as you have seen, hence, ‘The Big Blue Canoe’. Also Viking Deck is the longest deck on any cruise ship in the world.”

That got some of them talking to each other.

S/S Norway at anchor in St. Thomas, USVI

“Oh, there is one more thing that you should know. You may have noticed that the entrance to the bathroom is raised and you have to step up into the bathroom. Now you may not think that this is important right now, but believe me, when you go to the bathroom at 3:00 AM to relieve yourself, you will find this step up. And the part of your body that finds this step up will be your big toe. Right at that moment, just before the pain is registers, you will remember that TV Robert mentioned during the Boat Drill, that you have to step up to the bathroom. Then the pain will register.”

This got a huge laughter from the group.

“All right, what’s my name?” I called out.

“TV Robert”, was the reply and everyone cheered.

“Does anyone have any questions?” I said.

“No” was the group’s reply.

I looked to my right at the lifeboat station next to mine and everyone there was looking at my station.

I looked back to my group and said, “I need a volunteer.”

Before anyone could answer, I reached out to the cutest girl in my group and pulled her towards me.

“Thank you for volunteering. What’s your name?” I asked.

“Margaret”, she said shyly.

“OK Margaret, say hello to your closest 150 new friends you will ever have. Everyone say hello to Margaret” I said.

“Hello Margaret”, came from the group and I went through the instructions of how to put on their lifejacket.

When we were done I looked at the group and said, “Everyone say ‘Thank You’ to Margaret for her excellent demonstration.

“Thank you Margaret” came from the group and another cheer from my group. The announcement then came over the P/A system for the guests to be dismissed.

“When you see me around the ship and you have any questions, don’t hesitate to stop me and ask.’ I said.

First Officer Stian was in the passageway next to my station. He walked over to me and there was a hush from my group. He looked at me and said loud enough for everyone to hear,

“Good job Robert”, and tipped his hat to my group.

Another cheer from my group as they dispersed. Many of them said, “Thanks TV Robert” as they walked away. A couple came up to me. The gentleman stuck out his hand and I reached out to shake it. He put his other hand on my shoulder.

“We have been cruising for 25 years and have been on over 50 cruises. This is the best boat drill we have ever been part of, with the most information we have ever received. Thank you very, very much.” he said.

“You are very welcome”, I replied, very appreciative of his comments.

Things were looking good.

*Names may have been changed to protect the innocent!